Who Chooses? The Dominant, The Submissive or both?

Who Chooses? The Dominant, The Submissive or both?

So, this subject has come up time and time again on various forums and conversations. Who chooses who? Does the Submissive choose the Dominant, dose the Dominant choose the Submissive? Is it a bit of both? I’ve seen this reworded for the Vanilla Sect as well, “does the girl choose the boy, does the boy choose the girl, or a bit of both?” … It’s much the same, if of course you presume that one or the other gender is dominant. Whatever, for the sake of this writing I presume that the Girls are Dominant and if that offends someone, so be it, leave a comment and we'll discuss it...

Now, I’ve seen lots of commentary on this, hey, I’ve had little else to do in a day except read. Business has been almost non-existent; so I can read the forums, most of which have been mostly dead or trite, I can sleep, or I can clean house. And I can only do so much of the last two, however much I might like them.

I suppose it’s a fair question. One that I doubt we’ll ever truly have an answer to. Do we choose our mate(s); is it chemistry, or something else?

Well, some say yes the subs would chooses the Dom, some say it’s both boy and girl. Certainly, in my experience, the relationships where they have gone slow, gotten to know each other well before going into any sexually intimate situations have lasted the longest. There are exceptions of course. The romantic, “oh, I just knew!” shtick we get fed so much of on TV, and in books. … At least in that LKH was different. Possibly why I like her so much. In the LKH Anita Blake vampire Hunter series, Anita gets to have many relationships, some platonic, many not. However, in the books, she has always attempted to date the serious men in her life before becoming sexual active with them and seeking permission of any other that the new one’s inclusion might affect or effect. So, in the books, Anita gets to have a Chemistry/metaphysical connection to aide in getting to know them and understanding their feelings and thus managing an almost obscene amount of Boyfriends with one FWB and, recently in the latest one HIT LIST, a casual’ish one. Same with the Meredith Gentry, Laurell K. Hamilton’s other bestselling series. Meredith, Merry, gets to have a ring that helps her recognize who is a fertile match and then does her best to get to know them, and their sexual preferences, before becoming sexually active with them.

So it seems that for the best and longest lasting relationships, be they monogamous or polyamorous, talk to people, start off as friends and if you feel you like them, offer more so that it can be discussed.

I find I can relate, and want, both Anita and Merry’s worlds to an extent. I know that there is Darkness to wander in, and that I can be, and have been, hurt and badly wandering there all alone. I lived there, in the Fullest Dark without even knowing I where I was, and when I finally decided I did not want that sort of dynamic in my life, I had to wander out to the grey area. I stood there for many years looking at both as I progressed along my way, sort of feeling my way alone as I felt I could not trust anyone else. But now that they end of my journey that I can take alone nears, I know three things for certain; I want to finish my life as a woman, that the Light is not the place for me as it is crueler than the Dark – although this seems an oxymoron, and I know I will need a guide so that I do not end up with the Full Dark that has scarred me so. To that end I have been blessed with finding a possible M to lead, educate and guide me. I hope I’m not too scarred or scared to do this. I am tired of living in fear, I am tired of being alone, and I am tired of barely managing to make my own decisions floating from one pay period to the next without drowning. I need a Keeper. Yet I don’t want someone who will rule every part of my life with an Iron Fist like my father, the pastors I’ve known, the “school teachers”, and like my mother still tries to do. Finding, and understanding them and the world I am about to enter means I need a guide, so that I can sort through the offers and understand my own emotions, to finally emerge into the Starlit Moon bright Night and join those gathered there.


Discover more in-depth articles, here.
CanadaBDSM.com Memberships


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *